Cry Out to Jesus.

Wow. 

There is truly nothing else like driving down the road, completely alone, crying out to the One who created you. This past week has been overwhelming with so much confusion, but also confirmation all mixed together with answered prayers. I've learned the peace of crying to God rather than running to people to find comfort. You know what I'm talking about. As humans, our natural instinct when we feel confused or alone is to find someone to comfort us and tell us what we need to hear. As great as it may seem at the time, the comfort from them only lasts for a short time. And then eventually the cycle starts all over again. 

 

I am thankful now that God showed me a greater alternative.

 

When I was driving home Wednesday night I just turned off the radio and started talking to God. I was so confused about why some things were happening in my life. Why I had to lose things that were so important to me. Why I was so confused and didn't just simply understand everything. It was in that moment I completely lost it. Literally driving down the road at night crying and yelling to God. I wasn't mad. I wasn't upset. I was begging for Him to keep breaking me. To keep tearing me apart. To keep taking everything out of my life that He wanted to if it meant I would see His will for my life more clearly.

And don't get me wrong, this is without a doubt not an easy thing to pray. And honestly, I used to avoid it simply because I didn't want Him to really take everything away from me, ya know. Just last week I went through a series of different situations that seemed like the end of the world. Yet every single one of them has led to Christ growing more in me and His kingdom truly being glorified. During my quite time Thursday (the morning after my needed conversation with God) this was the scripture I came across..

 

"As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret. See what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what punishment..

2 Corinthians 7:10-11

 

I. was. speechless. When I am reading my bible, 9 times out of 10 I look up the definition of quite a few words. So I googled the actual definition of grief and eagerness.

 

Grief: a response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed.

Eagerness: enthusiasm to do something

 

So going back I reread it as.. " For you felt a godly loss of someone or something, but this loss produces repentance. See what earnestness this GODly loss has produced in you, but also what enthusiasm you have to clear yourselves."

Once again, speechless. I honestly thought God wrote this in my bible overnight because I knew I had read all of 2 Corinthians before and never came across this! How stinkin awesome that God can not only be with me in my car, as I yell and cry and beg for Him to break me and SHOW me that what I was going through was what He wanted from me, but that He is just as much alive in His word. That night I remember saying "God I want to do Your will, I'm fine with losing anything you want me to, I want to do everything it takes to clear myself of whatever is keeping me from being fully centered on You"....and BAM. I suffer godly grief and it leads to eagerness to clear myself.

God's faithfulness is unfathomable. His love is never-ending. But above all, HE IS ALIVE. Terrible times in your life can lead to your best moments with God if you just realize that He is greater than anything you could go through. When you feel God tugging at you to give up something or someone to strengthen your relationship with him, do it. It won't always be easy, but I guarantee you the moment you truly feel yourself striving to be more like Christ and less concerned with yourself will be the moment His peace will overwhelm you in a way you've never felt before.

The god of Vanity.

Have you ever thought of the definition of vanity? When I was younger all I wanted was a beautiful vanity dresser in my bedroom. I never really wore makeup growing up, but I knew if I had a perfect vanity I would sit in front of it for hours just brushing my hair and putting on makeup. That's what they were made for, right? The word vanity itself means to have excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements.

Basically, what I am going to refer to as the god of vanity, has been battling for my life since I was a little girl. And, I can't say that much has changed. Wanting to look not our best, but the best..Having the best figure than those around us..Fixing our hair absolutely perfect everywhere we went. Bottom line for everyone who has strived to obtain these goals, we were simply worshipping our own image. It's at this moment that we need to realize whether our sole purpose is to please man or to please God.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

I've heard this verse a lot, especially since I've been a Christian. And in my head I always thought "Of course I'm not trying to please people, I love Jesus and He is all I care about." But here lately I have really been convicted about just how much I have been focusing on appearance. It's easy to think to yourself that everything is going fine, and you just have a few struggles, but it's really no big deal. Until someone else points out to you exactly what you constantly talk about, what you're constantly complaining about.

The past few months I have struggled with wanting to lose weight. I've always been underweight for my height so weight was never an issue because I was always playing a sport year around from the time I was big enough to hold a softball bat. (I am not saying that I am overweight now and miserable because that isn't the case. I had become prideful of myself and struggled with the desire of wanting to be unhealthy underweight again.)... However, two years have passed that I've been completely done with high school and college sports and I have become ridiculously insecure with my body image. If you know me then you know how bizarre my eating habits are. There were some days I would go without eating a single meal. Then other days I would be certain I didn't miss a chance to eat. As small of a problem as this may seem, it had completely controlled my mindset for entirely too long. All I thought about everyday is how much I needed to lose weight. How many calories I needed to burn. How much exercise I needed to do every single day. How long I could go without eating at all. It had become not only a problem but a challenge because I wanted so bad to be so tiny that I had let this lifestyle become a god in my life. Yes it is important to take care of your body and to be healthy. But I believe there is a fine line between being healthy and just wanting to look great to the people around us.


"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promises for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:8


"...people look at the outward appearance, but The Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7.... As amazing as this verse should make me feel, it absolutely terrified me. God looks at my heart. The part of my body from which everything flows. THAT is what God sees when he looks at me. I will tell y'all right now that for me to be so overwhelmed by my own "god of vanity," My heart was certainly not where it needed to be with Christ. And this literally scared me to no ends. A verse that I have heard all my life and just now, when I am 21 years old and closer to God than I have ever been..it truly hit me. My heart wasn't completely surrendered. The answer to my insecurity wasn't to go on a diet or constantly pressure myself to lose weight. Rather it was to surrender my soul and HEART to the One who made me exactly like I am! Matthew 5:6 "BLESSED are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." All this time I was hungry for the wrong thing. Hungry for the self praise I wasn't giving myself. Hungry for the constant acceptance of people who in the end are fighting the SAME battles I am. For us to not appreciate who we are, just the way we are, is implying that God could have done a better job when he knit us together in our mothers womb. And who am I to question God?

I'm not saying that I haven't been growing spiritually over the past few months because I have. But I will tell you that following Jesus completely is a lot harder when you have a particular struggle or sin that you are dragging around with you instead of leaving it at the foot of the cross. Maybe you're struggling with your walk with Christ but you don't know what's holding you back or why you can't seem to have more desire to feel the presence of God. If this is the case, look at something that disappoints you the most. God will use disappointments in your life to remind you of the idols you are letting overpower your life. "What we complain about reveals what really matters to us. Whining shows what has power over us."

"As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart." Proverbs 27:19

The heart is the truth of your identity. Dont trade the Creator God for a god of your own creation. Next time the god of vanity tries to fight so hard to win over your heart, surrender it to the only God who has the power to save you from this world. The One who created you. Jesus Christ.

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