There is truly nothing else like driving down the road, completely alone, crying out to the One who created you. This past week has been overwhelming with so much confusion, but also confirmation all mixed together with answered prayers. I've learned the peace of crying to God rather than running to people to find comfort. You know what I'm talking about. As humans, our natural instinct when we feel confused or alone is to find someone to comfort us and tell us what we need to hear. As great as it may seem at the time, the comfort from them only lasts for a short time. And then eventually the cycle starts all over again.
I am thankful now that God showed me a greater alternative.
When I was driving home Wednesday night I just turned off the radio and started talking to God. I was so confused about why some things were happening in my life. Why I had to lose things that were so important to me. Why I was so confused and didn't just simply understand everything. It was in that moment I completely lost it. Literally driving down the road at night crying and yelling to God. I wasn't mad. I wasn't upset. I was begging for Him to keep breaking me. To keep tearing me apart. To keep taking everything out of my life that He wanted to if it meant I would see His will for my life more clearly.
And don't get me wrong, this is without a doubt not an easy thing to pray. And honestly, I used to avoid it simply because I didn't want Him to really take everything away from me, ya know. Just last week I went through a series of different situations that seemed like the end of the world. Yet every single one of them has led to Christ growing more in me and His kingdom truly being glorified. During my quite time Thursday (the morning after my needed conversation with God) this was the scripture I came across..
"As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret. See what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what punishment..
2 Corinthians 7:10-11
I. was. speechless. When I am reading my bible, 9 times out of 10 I look up the definition of quite a few words. So I googled the actual definition of grief and eagerness.
Grief: a response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed.
Eagerness: enthusiasm to do something
So going back I reread it as.. " For you felt a godly loss of someone or something, but this loss produces repentance. See what earnestness this GODly loss has produced in you, but also what enthusiasm you have to clear yourselves."
Once again, speechless. I honestly thought God wrote this in my bible overnight because I knew I had read all of 2 Corinthians before and never came across this! How stinkin awesome that God can not only be with me in my car, as I yell and cry and beg for Him to break me and SHOW me that what I was going through was what He wanted from me, but that He is just as much alive in His word. That night I remember saying "God I want to do Your will, I'm fine with losing anything you want me to, I want to do everything it takes to clear myself of whatever is keeping me from being fully centered on You"....and BAM. I suffer godly grief and it leads to eagerness to clear myself.
God's faithfulness is unfathomable. His love is never-ending. But above all, HE IS ALIVE. Terrible times in your life can lead to your best moments with God if you just realize that He is greater than anything you could go through. When you feel God tugging at you to give up something or someone to strengthen your relationship with him, do it. It won't always be easy, but I guarantee you the moment you truly feel yourself striving to be more like Christ and less concerned with yourself will be the moment His peace will overwhelm you in a way you've never felt before.